I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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