Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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