Will you blow on my dice?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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