This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
