Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
