My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
