Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize