Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
