he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
