I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
