I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
