WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
