he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
high people should be assigned attendants
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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