My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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