Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
