you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
