I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
