then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
