Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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