I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
