If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
