Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
