I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm like, not good at living.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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