For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
They have beer where we have blood.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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