There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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