just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
