I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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