I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
