South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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