My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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