mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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