Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
