So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
