im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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