I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
