Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I look excited, but its just a facade.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
