New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
