cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
