I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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