i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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