Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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