Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
