If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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