five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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