i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
