my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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