I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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