So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
