I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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