sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize