Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I could make wine with my vomit
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
