no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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