why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
