he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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