i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
