I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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