Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize