Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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