eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
this hospital has no fireball
The Olympian is in my bed
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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