im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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