Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize