I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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