"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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