I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
