I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
