I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
