My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
