I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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