tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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